i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
