look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
