I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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