getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You took a bar mat shot.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
