I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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