in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
