I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
