good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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