I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
