I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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