I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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