I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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