I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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