We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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