See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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