tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
