I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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