Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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