I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize