I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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