I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
