I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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