my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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