Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
