Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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