I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
