If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
