it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He felt like a one man threesome
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
