Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
