I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
