I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
