remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
