I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
