i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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