Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
