I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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