you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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