come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
