i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
