I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
