omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
