seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
