i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
