no, he came in my armpit
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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