im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
