theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
