In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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