the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
