seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
