a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
stop calling my apartment porn island.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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