handjob tips. give me some.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
