I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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