You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
