My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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