That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
