the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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