my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
