hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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