I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
