Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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