My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
