Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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