his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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