I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You made out with two different species that night
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
